Why do I need to need someone? Why am I looking for someone to be satisfied with myself? Why aren’t I able to be happy with who I am?
How can I expect someone to fall in love with me when I can’t even love myself? And why is that so important to me?
All I want is to be with someone who cares about me. Someone who will listen to me and tell me that its all going to be okay. Someone to help me through the difficult times. All I want is to feel like someone truly needs me and truly appreciates me, flaws and all.
But thats not possible.
I need to accept myself for who I am… But who am I?
Im my past. I wish I was more than that, but I’m not. I wish I could say thats its shaped me into who I am and that it has given me drive an motivation, but I can’t say that and still be completely honest with myself.
Its not even so much that my past has made me who I am, its more that my past has made me who I’m not. Im not one that knows what they want, where they want to be, who they want to be. Im not one who knows what their long term goals are or where I see myself in 15 years. My past was one where I didn’t have an identity.
And yes I realize my fault in all of this. Im not bitter about my past. I know that I can’t change what happened, I can’t change how it affected me. But I should be able to change myself now… why can’t I do that then? Why am I so stuck in the past?
Maybe its because I’m scared of the future.. I’m scared to let go of the past because its like a shield, a shield that lets me hid form my problems, a shield that allows me to have no identity.
If I have no sense of identity, I’m protected. No one can attack me because there’s nothing there. There’s nothing there.