ok.

Im so sick of you being a condescending prick to my mother. You’re the one who always demands respect and has all of these old fashioned morals, but you’re one who doesn’t follow them. I don’t understand how belittling my mother equals respect. 

If everyone around you see your actions as being condescending theres probably a good chance that you are actually being a dick. I don’t care if that not your intentions or motives. if everyone around you is seeing it then you need to change you’re actions to match them. 

Don’t you dare tell me that my opinions are based on nothing. Ive been through more than most people my age and because of it have had to grow up at like 8. I despise the fact that you are still trying to play the “i’m the adult and you’re the child” bs. I’m almost 20. 

You told me that I should find another place to live, i just might. prick. 

Sometime is sit here and wonder what’s wrong with me, that’s maybe there’s something I need to do differently.

But then it think it’s not me it’s them.
But it can’t always be them.

So it has to be me.

empty

Why do I need to need someone? Why am I looking for someone to be satisfied with myself? Why aren’t I able to be happy with who I am? 

How can I expect someone to fall in love with me when I can’t even love myself? And why is that so important to me? 

All I want is to be with someone who cares about me. Someone who will listen to me and tell me that its all going to be okay. Someone to help me through the difficult times. All I want is to feel like someone truly needs me and truly appreciates me, flaws and all. 
But thats not possible. 

I need to accept myself for who I am… But who am I? 

Im my past. I wish I was more than that, but I’m not. I wish I could say thats its shaped me into who I am and that it has given me drive an motivation, but I can’t say that and still be completely honest with myself. 

Its not even so much that my past has made me who I am, its more that my past has made me who I’m not. Im not one that knows what they want, where they want to be, who they want to be. Im not one who knows what their long term goals are or where I see myself in 15 years. My past was one where I didn’t have an identity. 

And yes I realize my fault in all of this. Im not bitter about my past. I know that I can’t change what happened, I can’t change how it affected me. But I should be able to change myself now… why can’t I do that then? Why am I so stuck in the past? 

Maybe its because I’m scared of the future.. I’m scared to let go of the past because its like a shield, a shield that lets me hid form my problems, a shield that allows me to have no identity. 

If I have no sense of identity, I’m protected. No one can attack me because there’s nothing there. There’s nothing there. 

When did it become okay to go from one guy to the next? I’m not saying that I’m perfect or am not guilty of not giving myself the time I really needed before jumping into the next relationship, but I don’t do the bulls*** I’m seeing now. When did it become okay to have a boy at home, that you plan on seeing again, but still be flirting and having guys stay the night that you have no interest In starting anything serious with? I mean I guess in really I’m one to talk because I’ve been talking and making out with this guy since the second week of school. But I’m not activity going around and trying to find other guys. Plus, I think we both know nothing serious will come out of it. We’ve been “talking” for 6 months it would have happened by now.
I’m just annoyed with girls complaining that guys are the bad ones and are playing with their hearts but, in reality, it’s the other way around.

I want to be in love. And by in love I mean head over heel completely in love with that persons for who they are. Someone who can’t live without me, someone who I mean the world to. Someone who picks me up and spins me around.
But I wouldn’t be comfortable with that. I wouldn’t know how to react, respond.
And there lies the irony of it. The very thing I want, what I crave, I know I can never have because of the person that I am.